While it’s natural to want to escape discomfort, repeated avoidance can stand in the way of growth and healing, especially in therapy. Whether it shows up as missing appointments, changing the subject when things get personal or brushing off strong emotions, avoidance behavior is one of the most common obstacles to progress in mental health treatment.
The good news is that you can address avoidance and work through it with patience, the right approach and a compassionate therapeutic relationship.
What Is Avoidance Behavior?
It’s important to distinguish between avoidance behavior and avoidant personality disorder. Avoidant personality disorder is a Cluster C disorder that affects 1.5%-2.5% of the U.S. population. Avoidance behavior is much more common and refers to any action a person takes to escape or reduce exposure to something distressing. It can be mental (like suppressing thoughts), emotional (numbing feelings) or behavioral (avoiding people, places or conversations).
Common examples include:
- Skipping therapy sessions or showing up late
- Avoiding emotionally charged topics
- Overintellectualizing instead of feeling
- Keeping busy to distract from painful emotions
- Using substances or compulsive habits to numb distress
In the short term, these behaviors can bring relief. But over time, they reinforce the idea that certain feelings or experiences are too much to face, which makes healing even harder.
Emotional Avoidance and Why It Happens
Emotional avoidance is a specific form of avoidance where people push away uncomfortable feelings like sadness, anger, guilt or fear. This might show up as:
- Saying “I’m fine” when overwhelmed
- Laughing during painful stories
- Minimizing your trauma or needs
- Feeling detached or disconnected from emotional experiences
People may engage in emotional avoidance because:
- They’ve learned that vulnerability is unsafe.
- They fear being judged or misunderstood.
- They don’t have the tools to process strong feelings.
- The feelings are connected to trauma or unresolved pain.
In therapy, emotional avoidance can block the very work that needs to happen: facing emotions in a safe space. Recognizing and gently challenging this pattern is a crucial part of healing.
Avoidance in the Therapy Room
Therapists learn to recognize avoidance in therapy, and it’s incredibly common. People may avoid certain topics or emotions out of fear, shame or habit. However, therapy is one of the few spaces where you can explore this without judgment.
Signs of avoidance in therapy include:
- Constantly shifting to surface-level topics
- Speaking in abstract or vague terms
- Avoiding eye contact when discussing painful subjects
- Intellectualizing or joking instead of expressing feelings
- Resisting therapist questions or changing the subject
When avoidance is happening, the goal isn’t to confront or shame; it’s to gently invite curiosity and ask questions like, “What are you protecting yourself from? What would happen if you stayed with this emotion for just a moment longer?”
Why Addressing Avoidance Matters
If left unexamined, avoidance can stall or even reverse therapeutic progress. Healing requires connection with thoughts, feelings and memories, and avoidance blocks that connection.
Addressing avoidance helps:
- Build emotional tolerance and resilience
- Deepen the therapeutic relationship
- Encourage vulnerability and self-awareness
- Reduce the power of feared emotions or memories
- Lay the groundwork for long-term change
Facing avoidance is difficult, but it’s also where breakthroughs happen.
How Therapists Help Clients Address Avoidance
Therapists use a variety of approaches to help clients move through avoidance at their own pace.
- Gentle Confrontation
A therapist might reflect back the avoidance behavior nonjudgmentally, asking something like, “I noticed you smiled just now when talking about something really painful. Can we pause there?” - Mindfulness and Grounding
Clients are taught to observe their emotions without judgment, increasing awareness of when avoidance occurs. - Gradual Exposure
Therapists may help clients slowly build tolerance for distressing thoughts or memories by approaching them in small, manageable steps. - Emotion-Focused Work
Modalities like emotionally focused therapy (EFT) or internal family systems (IFS) help clients identify and process emotions they may be avoiding. - Psychoeducation
Learning about avoidance itself — including why it happens, how it protects us and what it costs — can empower clients to shift their patterns.
If You Recognize Avoidance in Yourself
You’re not alone if you’ve found yourself dodging certain emotions or skipping hard topics in therapy. Avoidance is often a survival strategy that once served a purpose. But now, it may be holding you back.
Here are a few ways to start addressing it:
- Name it. Even just saying “I think I’m avoiding this” can open a door.
- Get curious, not critical. Ask yourself what you’re afraid to feel without shaming yourself.
- Share with your therapist. Being honest about avoidance strengthens the therapeutic alliance.
- Celebrate small steps. Every time you stay present during discomfort, you’re rewiring your emotional resilience.
Frequently Asked Questions
Avoidance behavior often stems from fear, shame, past trauma or the belief that certain emotions are unsafe to feel. It’s a protective instinct, but it can interfere with healing.
- Emotional avoidance is common in people with trauma histories. It’s a way of protecting yourself from overwhelming or threatening emotions that once felt unmanageable.
Therapists use empathy, gentle curiosity and evidence-based techniques like mindfulness, gradual exposure and emotion-focused therapy to help clients safely approach avoided material.
Many people avoid emotions or topics without realizing it. Therapy helps bring those patterns into awareness so you can work through them consciously.
Avoidance is a common and understandable part of the therapeutic process. The key is learning to notice it and gradually move toward what you’re avoiding with support.
You Don’t Have to Face It Alone
Avoidance may have protected you in the past, but it doesn’t have to run the show forever. Therapy is a place to gently face what you’ve been avoiding at your own pace with someone walking beside you.
If you’re struggling to open up in therapy or not sure where to start, the Mental Health Hotline is a free, confidential resource to help you find support that fits your needs.
