You probably already know how the rush of a new romantic infatuation feels. The butterflies in your stomach associated with falling in love are quintessential to the human experience. But what happens when a crush involves constantly and obsessively thinking about the other person? This powerful state, often mistaken for genuine love, is known as limerence. Therapy and prioritizing self-care can help you navigate such intense emotions.
What Is Limerence?
Individuals experiencing limerence may fixate on a specific person, often called the limerent object or LO. Thoughts about this person may take up every waking moment and disrupt daily tasks. If you’re experiencing limerence, you may obsess over the details of past encounters, analyze every word of every conversation you’ve had and fantasize about an imaginary future with this person. Every new notification on your phone might trigger an almost euphoric jolt of excitement, followed by intense disappointment if it isn’t a text from them.
This rush can feel pleasurable, but it can also cause anxiety. When the limerent object doesn’t respond as hoped, you could experience an intense fear of rejection. Even when the infatuation is reciprocated, limerence means you’ve placed the other person on a pedestal most people can’t live up to. When unaddressed, limerence can last for months or even years.
The concept of limerence was coined in the late 1970s by psychologist Dorothy Tennov. Although the term has been around for decades, research into the phenomenon is limited. Dr. Tennov herself estimated that between 35% and 50% of people experience limerence at some point in their lives.
While the DSM-5 doesn’t recognize it as a disorder, limerence shares traits with substance abuse disorder and OCD but remains distinct due to its focus on unreciprocated desire. Social media and internet access make it easier to sustain, as individuals can passively “stalk” their crush online. Women are more likely than men to experience this type of obsession.
Signs and Symptoms
At first, limerence can feel like just another crush. However, a few signs may suggest there’s more to it.
- Obsessive thinking. You may spend hours analyzing small gestures or deciding whether the person’s voice indicates affection. Constantly thinking about the LO can make it difficult to concentrate on anything else, which could, in turn, affect your performance at work or school.
- Dramatic mood swings. You may feel elated if you have any sign of reciprocation, such as a text message, but you may feel crushed if they appear uninterested. Even short delays in responding to a message can cause intense anxiety and rumination.
- Elaborate daydreams. You may engage in fantasies where everything goes perfectly and the other person reciprocates love. As comforting as daydreaming is, living inside this ideal utopia could make it impossible to see the other person’s character flaws.
Why Limerence Isn’t Synonymous With Healthy Love
When experiencing limerence and all its intense emotions, it’s easy to confuse it with genuine love. However, the obsessive infatuation and idealizing of the other person typically involved in limerence rarely, if ever, develop into a healthy romantic relationship. Healthy love consists of sharing a deep connection with another person. It’s based on mutual respect and acceptance of each other’s strengths and flaws.
However, limerence is about loving the idea of a person rather than a desire to build a genuine bond. When experiencing limerence, you project fantasies and hopes onto the other person and avoid seeing them in a realistic light. Limerence is the very definition of viewing someone through rose-colored glasses.
Additionally, limerence often remains one-sided. Obsessive thoughts thrive on unrequited love and the idealized image you hold of another person. While limerence can evolve into a healthy relationship, it can also keep you stuck in a cycle of obsession and disappointment.
What Causes Limerence?
There isn’t enough scientific literature on limerence to pinpoint exact causes, but potential reasons for these episodes may include:
- Adverse childhood experiences. Emotional attachment styles formed during childhood can play a role. Individuals with anxious attachment tendencies might be more prone to developing obsessive attachments, as they often seek constant reassurance and fear abandonment.
- Brain chemistry. The early stages of romantic love activate brain regions associated with reward and pleasure, increasing dopamine release and encouraging the person to seek more of these feel-good experiences. This is partly why limerence can feel like an addiction.
- Underlying mental illness. Individuals with conditions associated with obsessive thinking patterns, such as PTSD, ADHD, OCD or BPD, may be more susceptible to limerence.
How to Manage Limerence: Therapy Strategies
Managing limerence doesn’t mean you have to lose all romantic feelings. The goal is to develop healthy emotional attachments that respect boundaries and reality.
Evidence-based therapies, such as cognitive behavioral therapy, can help reduce intrusive thoughts and compulsive behaviors. In the case of limerence, exposure response prevention, in particular, is showing promise in assisting individuals in relieving symptoms and gaining a more balanced perspective on their infatuation.
Healthy boundaries can help break the cycle of obsession. Self-regulation strategies, such as blocking the LO on social media and avoiding unnecessary contact, can also help manage symptoms. A therapist might encourage you to try mindfulness, deep breathing and progressive muscle relaxation techniques whenever you’re at risk of allowing fantasies to overtake you. If the LO is someone you’re already dating or married to, relationship counseling can address the imbalance of expectations.
Limerence isn’t an official mental health diagnosis. However, if you experience severe anxiety or depression alongside limerence, your mental health professional might suggest medication to complement talk therapies.
Taking the First Step
If you’re experiencing a barrage of emotions and don’t know where to turn, call the Mental Health Hotline. We work with the best therapy providers in the country and can connect you with the right local services. Call us anytime; we’re here to listen.
