Have you ever wanted to end a relationship that you knew wasn’t good for you, but you kept going back? Or maybe you had a parent or caregiver who was abusive but you maintained a relationship with them as an adult, even though you didn’t really want to. A trauma bond can be one reason for this, and it can be difficult to overcome without outside support. Find out what trauma bonding is, what it looks like and how you can break free.
Key Signs of Trauma Bonding
Trauma bonding occurs when a victim develops intense emotional bonds with their abuser stemming from the patterns of behavior in the abuse cycle. Some of the key signs include:
- Making excuses for the abuser. Justifying abusive behavior by saying things like “Oh, they just had a bad day” or “They had a hard childhood and don’t know how to love” is a red flag indicating a trauma bond. You may believe you understand the abuser better than anyone else and try to explain away their actions.
- Keeping secrets. Feeling like you can’t share what’s happening in your life with others who care about you can indicate an abusive relationship and trauma bonding. Keeping secrets from your partner or otherwise walking on eggshells to avoid upsetting them is also a warning sign.
- Starting to believe you’re the problem. Because of the gaslighting that happens in abusive relationships, you can start to blame yourself and try to change to please the abuser. However, this either doesn’t work or only works in the short term before the abuser finds something else wrong.
- Being afraid to leave the relationship. If you’re afraid to end a relationship — romantic or otherwise — because of what the abuser may do or because you don’t believe you can get along without them, this is a sign of a trauma bond.
How Trauma Bonds Develop in Relationships
Trauma bonds are a sign of abusive relationships, which are unfortunately all too common. More than 40% of women and 26% of men in the United States have experienced violence at the hands of a partner. The emotional manipulation that comes with trauma bonding is one of the reasons it takes an average of seven times for someone to leave an abusive relationship for good.
To understand trauma bonds, you first have to understand the abuse cycle. It starts with the building up of tension in the relationship. This can be things like passive-aggressive comments or being especially picky about small issues, and it escalates until the abuse occurs, which can be physical or emotional. After the blow-up, the reconciliation phase happens, where it’s common for the abuser to apologize or promise never to act that way again. They may be especially sweet and loving at this point, and the victim gets a sense of safety and relief before the tension-building phase starts again.
Trauma bonds form in the reconciliation phase of the abuse cycle. These moments are such a welcome relief that the victim often focuses on them exclusively, ignoring the other issues or making excuses for the abuser’s behavior during the other stages.
The Psychological Impact of Trauma Bonding
Trauma bonding can take a significant toll on your mental and physical health. Anxiety and increased stress levels are common as you try to navigate and make sense of the situation. Your risk of depression can also increase as the situation starts to feel hopeless or like there’s no way out.
Steps to Break Free and Heal From Trauma Bonds
Trauma bonds are deep-seated, which means they can be especially difficult to break. It’s important to have realistic expectations for how long this can take and to practice self-compassion during the process. For those who experience trauma bonds in a relationship, recovery can include:
- Keeping a diary of what happened each day to make it easier to identify the abuse cycle
- Getting an outside perspective, such as from a counselor or therapist
- Cutting off contact with the abuser
- Establishing boundaries for healthier relationships
- Learning to be independent to build self-confidence
It’s important to note that taking steps to leave an abusive relationship can often escalate things. Talk to someone you trust about what’s going on, and make a plan for your safety as you leave.
Find Support Today
If you’ve experienced abuse from a partner or someone else in your life, reach out to the Mental Health Hotline today. A trained professional can listen to your story, validate your experience and help you find resources to move forward.
