Abandonment issues are common in people who’ve experienced loss or some other traumatic event in their childhood. They can also surface in people who’ve been neglected physically or emotionally. In some cases, a person may feel fear of abandonment but be unable to pinpoint the trigger.
Understanding Abandonment
Healthy human development requires a person’s physical and emotional needs to be met. A child who loses a parent may feel severe trauma due to that loss. Abandonment issues can also develop if a child grows up in poverty or in an abusive environment. If a person doesn’t learn how to deal with abandonment issues, they may have difficulty developing normal, healthy relationships as an adult.
According to the U.S. Department of Health & Human Services, an estimated 558,899 children were victims of maltreatment in the United States in 2022.
Abandonment doesn’t always mean a child physically lost or was left by a parent. In some cases, a child still has both parents, but they’re emotionally absent or neglectful. A child might develop a fear of abandonment if they were:
- Parentified (forced to assume the role of an adult in the family)
- Held to an excessively high standard by their parents
- Pushed into certain activities and denied the ability to express themselves
- Treated like “best friends” by their parents, with their parents failing to enforce boundaries
- Bullied or emotionally abused
Children need stability, healthy support and boundaries from their parents. A lack of these can make it difficult for a child to learn how to have healthy relationships as they mature.
Abandonment can also affect adults. The loss of a long-term partner can be difficult for a person to deal with, and if they don’t address the feelings associated with that loss in a healthy way, those feelings may negatively impact future relationships.
The Long-Term Effects of Abandonment
Having some fear of abandonment is normal, but if that fear starts to dominate your thoughts or change your behavior, it could be unhealthy. Anxiety surrounding abandonment can lead to people developing trust issues, exhibiting people-pleasing behaviors or finding themselves drawn to unhealthy relationships.
Experiencing abandonment early in life can lead to mood swings and anger issues as an adult and hamper a person’s self-esteem. Some people experience anxiety, codependence or depression as a result of their fear of abandonment. Others who’ve experienced trauma or abandonment develop eating disorders or engage in other destructive behaviors. For example, they may be more susceptible to substance abuse issues.
In other cases, someone struggling with abandonment anxiety might develop an anxious attachment style, which can drive friends and partners away or result in them choosing abusive relationships because those relationships validate their low self-esteem.
Abandonment issues don’t just cause difficulties in maintaining friendships and romantic relationships. The resulting isolation, unhealthy coping mechanisms and anxiety can have an impact on professional relationships, too. A person with low self-esteem who has difficulty maintaining long-term relationships may miss out on opportunities for academic or professional development.
How Abandonment Can Influence Future Relationships
Fear of abandonment can create an unhealthy cycle in which a person is so worried about driving someone away or being left by them that they behave in a way that sabotages their relationships, increasing their anxiety.
Individuals who struggle to deal with abandonment often have relationships that go through several familiar stages:
- Meeting someone new. The individual may be quite relaxed, charismatic and outgoing with new people because they aren’t invested in the relationship yet.
- Enjoying the honeymoon period. If they get on well with someone, they spend more time with them and feel secure in the relationship. Because everything is new and exciting, they overlook red flags or potential issues.
- Facing the challenges of real life. As the relationship matures, it may occasionally take a back seat to real life. Their new friend or partner may need to spend time focusing on their studies or family life for a while. To someone anxious about abandonment, this can feel like a bump in the road for the friendship.
- Dealing with anxiety issues. In response to a perceived slight, such as a missed message or canceled meeting, a person with abandonment issues might become too clingy or demanding. Alternatively, they might withdraw in a bid to preempt rejection.
- Experiencing a relationship breakdown. If the friend or partner was unaware of the abandonment issues, they might wonder why the happy, outgoing person they once knew has changed so much. This sudden behavior change can drive a wedge into an otherwise healthy relationship.
To a person with abandonment issues, this cycle simply reinforces what they already “knew” and further drives down their self-esteem. Learning how to deal with abandonment and the complex emotions surrounding it is essential to building healthy relationships in the long term.
Coping With Abandonment Issues
Fear of abandonment is like many other fears. It’s not rational, but that doesn’t make it any less real to the person feeling it. Overcoming the fear requires reframing daily interactions and putting the focus on self-care.
By trying to identify and work past whatever trauma caused these fears and learning that fears aren’t always based on reality, it’s possible to overcome the fear of abandonment. The healing process is rarely straightforward, and there will be many bumps and challenges along the way. Clear communication with trusted friends and loved ones is essential, especially during the early stages of healing.
Get in Touch
At Mental Health Hotline, we offer free and confidential assistance 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. We can connect callers with mental health resources in their local area, putting them on the path to recovery. If you’re struggling with abandonment issues and need someone to talk to, contact Mental Health Hotline now and take the first step to a happier life and healthier relationships.
